I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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