way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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