whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
