This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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