he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize