she looked like the before picture.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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