I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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