You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
