He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
