Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
