If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
