So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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