I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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