Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
