he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
