if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
