apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
