Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
