There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
