My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize