i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
