3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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