Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
