Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
