We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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