It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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