At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
