my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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