Life is so much better after having sex.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
