moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
