i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
