I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
