My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
