he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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