My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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