just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
