So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
