I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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