there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
