Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
