I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
