i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
