from now on my penis is your penis
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
