dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
