So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
