No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
