I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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