today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
