How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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