Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
