Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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