I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
