Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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