She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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