Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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