You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
