I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
