Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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